Poems from surburbia

just a stupid blog that i write thoughts on,i delete stuff and add stuff frequently depending on my mood

blankslate:

sext: make out w/me until we both forget that we’re sacks of flesh slowly dying on a tiny rock in a dimly lit corner of a probably meaningless existence

I had a friend who was a heavy drinker. If somebody asked him if he’d been drunk the night before, he would always answer offhandedly, ‘Oh, I imagine.’ I’ve always liked that answer. It acknowledges life as a dream.

—Kurt Vonnegut (via oeh)

Dear

Dear Ricky, i always planned on writing you a letter before i left for college.No matter how much longer it takes to hand write this i know it will be worth it in the future.because the art of letter writing is a dying UNDERRATED candid art. I want to be completly honest with you and tell you every thought that went through my head when i first met you and want you to never forget them.Its my favorite thought to think of when im sad and lonely.the warmth you exuded in the room,the smile that comforted me .i remember following you around and leaning towards the register whenever you entered an order just so your elbow would brush mine(i know stupid right).In the begining you were like this foreign majestic thing that i was never allowed to touch just admire from afar.I remember the day i wrote you a list of my favorite songs on a napkin,superbowl sunday.I came back to order sushi to- go, specifically just so i could hang out with you longer at work.Its almost eerie and exciting to think of meeting you and how random yet perfectly planned it was like kismet.It sounds funny but meeting you was in fact a series of perfect accicident see my guidance counsler mr.hansley forced me to take genetics when i wanted  to take early childhood development,I tried switching out but simply couldnt cause mr.hansley would not let me.I was assigned a seat next to troy who always talked about his job,one day  he said they were hiring and to come in .So in essence i thank mr.hansley for our meeting.If i had a good guidance counsler i would have never met you.I guess sometimes things dont work out for a reason and thats a perfect example.When i think of meeting you its almost like we both met each other for the same specific reason at the perfect time.While we do share oppisite lifes and stories i still feel so similar to you at times.Before i met you i was insecure and  brainwashed into the idea that no one would ever fall in love with me and love was simply an overexagerated feeling towards a special person in ones life.i felt perpetually bad for people in relashanships.I didnt expect or plan on loving you,we are so different and so many years apart.I think We both came into each others life because we needed someone to love us.When i think of your life and everything you have struggled with i wish i could fix it.I wish you never had to see your sister depressed,or had to visit your father in prison, i wish you could have saved your mom .Everything that has happened to you ,you havent deserved but has made you the strongest most resilent person i have ever met.Hardships do build character.you are so kind and sweet i cant think of anyone else id rather dig my head into and lay on top of.Even though im leaving and we’re breaking up i hope we can be friends for the rest of our lives.i hate the phrase “breaking up”   i guess that is the teqniqual phrase but  i never want to break anything off with you.I know you will meet a girl who appreciates your sweetness and stupid laugh or even impecable apprecation for small humble  things like dogs and gas stationpopsicles.I know this because it is impossible not to fall in love with some one as sweethearted as you..I dont want you to wait for me because that isnt fair to other girls out there.there is someone out there that needs you right now just like we needed each other six monthes ago.Everyone comes into our life to teach us something.I hope you realize though that no one is  anymore awesome than you,you always put me on a peddle stool when you have it all wrong you always underestimate yourself and cut your self short.All the advice you have ever given me can easily transend towards yourselfI could go on and on about how special you are but it would bore you and make you feel awkward.I know that  incomprehensible feeling youre feeling that you will never meet someone again because i sometimes feel it too.But that cannot be the case,i know this because i remember the exact hour before i met you.It was a thursday i remember feeling uneasy about senior year since I was barely passing my intergrated math class and depressed during school because all of my best friends were away at college.I felt lonely and “at risk of sounding cliche ” misconstrued all year.In my young manifest life these were my thoughts and feelings.I literally remember the exact outfit i wore because i specifically remember wearing a plain yellow tank top and white pants,looking in the mirror forcing myself to smile and suck up going to work.When i walked in the door i remember meeting you in that narrow corner inbetween the sink and register, the space was so small our feet could have been touching.After that one thursday my life changed drastically i went from being a bored 17 year old girl to a 17 year old girl who had a crush on a 27 year old asain man.Life is random like that.you never know who your going to meet.I guess this letter is just turning into an endless ramble of thoughts and bitter sweet feelings i feel towards everything.In the end i love you and i hope you never forget that.If you do theres always a panda on my left upper under arm/rib to remind you that you will always be my friend and i only wish the best for you out of lifei hope you become everything you want a nurse,a chinese restraunt owner ,i want you to even get your own house with your own dogs and make all the homeade dinners you could dream of ! . love becca

just to say all these words i feel when im alone.cause even if i said it you wouldnt hear it all.i wish i was how i was way back then.

and its almost like everytime she applied the pearls to her perfectly pale neck she just had this compulsion,just like that to throw this little petite pair of pearls in the toliet.Pealrs next to a toliet well isnt that funny.

i h8

everything.”selfish little bitch”.i hate that term its ugly and mean and useless.i wish i had a best friend to tell everything to someone who would listen and not talk bout girls or getting into college or anything annoying just listen to me for 5 minutes.no one can just  listen ever unless what you have to say is remotly intresting. i just wish i was in college already,but of course my mother claims she cant afford the 30 dollar application fee for usf after buying a new thirty thousand dollar car.i n33d a n3w lifeeeeeee.

I want to go on a big long pointless night time walk with someone to nowhere. Just to clear my head.

prose rebecca buch debate

 

 

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Its the middle of the night my mouth is dry

my brain is moving but my mouth is stuck.

i cant move my right arm the bandages are still tight

the last thing i remember is micheal kissing me goodbye before surgary

tears are leaking from the corner of my eyes

but it isnt the cancer that is making me cry

a nurse comes in and asks” can i get you anything?”

i try to awnswer but no words come out.my tongue feels thick and heavy

i lost my purse (croaky whisper,begins to cry)

i know what shes thinking she thinks im talking about a purse i own now

“not that purse,i tell her an old purse  i had years go.i can see the purse.feel the weight of it.it was stolen.im lying here in the hospital.ive just had surgery for breast cancer and im crying about a lost purse.there wasnt much money in the purse but  here were pictures.black and white photos of my sisters.of teddy.of babs.the only picture i have ever had of teddy.

and  the suddenly i am wrapped in sleep.i fall deeper and deeper until there is nothing but silence.

 

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The metal dumpster was hot.burning hot to my bare legs. stupid school rule gotta wear dresses everyday.stupid.boys get to see out underpants all the time.jimmy and curtis and babs were lying on the flat rooftop,hanging there arms over the side to help me. i try to grip.they pull me up,landing on my belly.it was so hot it felt like the roof was melting.it was babs who told me first teddy k was going to kiss me at the end of the school day tommorow. babs-.”so what are you gonna do,are you going to ACTUALLY KISS HIM?”“LIKE WHAT IF HE INFECTS YOU WITH HIS COOTIES,AND THEN YOU BREAK OUT IN HIVES AND THEN YOU TURN GREEN AND THEN WORMS COME OUT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ICKY  GREEN STUFF AND THEN YOU CANT GET OUT OF BED TO GO TO MY ZOMBIE PRINCESS POOL PARTY NEXT WEEKEND, AND THEN YOU DIE!”Babs was overreacting.Tommorow was my last day of being a fifth grader and Teddyk was going to land a wet one on me.

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"I love you teddy" i practiced saying in the mirror and then try to imagine how i will look when his face is really close to mine.just before we kiss.i think i will close my eyes.the one thing i like about teddy is he always compliments me on my blue sweater ,he says it brings out my eyes.i try to wear the sweater at least two times a week.mom asks me how my day at school was from the living room.i wish she would leave me alone i have stuff to deal with and problems .what does she know about kissing boys?!.The next day after the fifth grade graduation teddy comes up to me i try to look older and more mature" hey you look nice in that sweater" " just when my heart gets a warm gooey feeling and i im about to say something nice mrs.k pulls teddy " come on its hot out here teddy,time to go home" and just like that hes gone.dragged out of sight by the whole k family.

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 from teddys window i watch the world i watch the waves there is nothing but ocean from so far from up here the ocean looks like it is the biggest thing in the universe i feel like maybe i am bigger.i have had my drivers liscense for almost  twenty four hours now. and this is the first family/ friend gathering where teddy is not 

 

 

Theme is unrequited love

1st poem is love letter

2nd poem inanimate objects

3rd poem is derrik brown

4th is old man

POETRY

 

i have already fallen in love with far too many postage stamps.

when you appeared on my door step wearing nothing but a post card promise.

no appear is the wrong word,is there a word for sucker punching someone in the heart?

is there a word for when your sitting at the bottom of a rollar coaster and you realize the

climb is coming that you know what the climb means that you can already feel the flip

in your stomach from the fall before you have even moved,is there a word for that?there

should be.you can only fit so many words in a postcard, only so many in a phone call

only, so many into space before, you forget that words are used for other things other

then filling up emptiness.it is hard to build a body out of words, i have tried we have

both tried .instead of lyng your head against my chest i tell you abut the boy who lives

down stairs from me who stays up all night long practicing his drum set, the neighbors

they complain they have busy days tommorow ,but he keeps on thumping through the

night, convinced i think that practice makes perfect.instead of holding my hand you tell

me about the  sandwitch you made for  lunch today .how the pickles fit so

perfectly with the lettuce.practice does not make perfect.practice makes

permeantent.repeat the same mistakes over and over and you dont get closer to

carnegie hall even i know that.repeat the same mistakes over

and over and you dont get any closer.you never get any closer. is there a word for the

moment you win tug of war,when the weight gives and all that extra rope comes

tumbling towards you how even though you have won you still end up with muddy

knees and scratches on your hands is there a word or that?i wish there was. i would

have said it when we were finally alone togather on our couch nither one of us with

nothing left to say.still now i send letters into space hoping some mail man some where

will track you down and regonize you from the descriptions in my poems that he will

place the stack of them in your hands and tell you there is a girl who still writes you she doesnt know how not to.

 

dear bicycle tire ,they told me that i was meant for the cleaner life that i was just a tooth brush that you would drag me through the mud .they said that you woud shred all over me, that they could see right through you, that you were full of hot air. that i would always be chasing , always be watching you disappear after sleeker tires,that it would be a vicsous cycle.but i know better i now about your rough edges ,i have seen your perfect curbs ,i will fit into what ever spaces you let me .if loving you means being dirty bring on the grime i will leave this porclen home behind im used to twice a day relashanships. but with u ill take all the time.and i know we live in different worlds and your always really busy but in my dreams you spin around me so fast   i always wake up dizzy.maybe one day you will grow tired of the road and roll on back to me and when i blink my eyes into morning your smile will be the only one i see.

 

 

 sing-Your here whispering in my ear .My mother is  washing the dishes and singing a song about someone dancing on the moon she stops to pats the globe of her stomach. I help her with the dirty meatloaf dishes gunk slides through the soap  ,the green goo slips across her strong hands there is a flashs of light everythime she turns her palm through the soap.my mother has a small diamond ring she received on her wedding  day given to her as my father as an afforfdable symbol .i a.lways asked my mother why a diambnd meant you loved someone why not givethem a brick or a snail or a cats brain to show your crazay bout them or a treasure chest full of zombie lipstick to show that you will kiss there brains ou forever it made more senset. the tink spink of moving plates my mother is singing again to her that diamond ring is a cheap but speacial reminder.to her that diamond ring is a cheap but special reminder.the filthy fork swift the dispoaal burrows then she stops singing and turns off the disposal face turns the color of the kitchen sink walls water off tossing thru the plates pulls out the rubber du dad to continues frantic for ten minutes.i wait for iher to say it i can feel it in my face ready ot burst like a cloud.she says “its gone” i cant believe we were just talking bout it and its gone she pats my head and hands me a paper towel i say its ok mom its just a thing and she says not really she starts to weelp excuses herself returns kisses my head continues to wash dishes .i roll my towel into a ring shape and say mom if we werent blood i would marry you and stick around she says sweetie thats sweet a little weird but sweet.she grabs some tape to keep the ringshape i snea outside to steal a brick from the neighbors garden when i come back in  she smiles and begins to sing that song somewhere someone dancing on moon.a song about a boy spiining in the dark with one beam of light.

might i add

how i hate the word babe.that word was specifically created for people in love. only.like people who have hung out on multiple occasions,and know each other’s favorite colors and phobias and favorite foods.babe was not made for casual kisses and quiet conversations.

to do today/tonight

1)read at least half of fun house

2)watch wilfred

3)sleep

4)catch up on true blood

5)study for sat

6)write naomi’s letter of rec.

7)get at least one more text out of faggot

song

We stood in your room and laughed out loud. Suddenly the laughter died and we were caught in an eye to eye. We sat on the floor and did we sit close. I could smell your thoughts and thought. Do you want to touch a lot like me? Too scared to say a thing. I left your house and kicked myself. I put those feelings on a shelf to die. I guess I’m not a gambling type but think of what the two of us had lost. I needed some time to think it out. 7-Eleven parking lot. A toothless woman turned and stopped. I gave her a dime and a Chesterfield. She leaned down and kissed my cheek. I was scared but it felt sweet. Felt so sweet. She asked me if I had a name. I told her I was glued up on some chick. We sat and smoked against the wall. Drank a beer, felt the chill of fall..